Last night something happened.
I’m scared.
My mind runs its movie. This is what will happen, this is what he’ll do, this is how he feels. And I act upon it. And treat him as if he was about to do it, as if he felt like that.
This time it was different. The movie ran again. This time I wanted to choose something different. I did not want to turn it into my reality. But my mind kept racing. How can I control this situation? How can I make sure that the worst case doesn’t happen?
I couldn’t find the solution. So, I decided to let it be. I decided that the only thing I have to decide right now is to NOT act out my movie.
Then I stood in front of him. And suddenly I said: I’m scared.
He smiled, he held me and he said don’t worry, I’ve got this.
I used to think that admitting that I’m scared is digging my own grave. I’ve learned a lesson.
I empowered him by doing this: I opened myself up and allowed him to step in powerfully. Trusted him. Showed him that I believe in him. Showed him that I have faith in him.
I empowered him by not doing this: Not forcing my movie on him. I didn’t judge him. Didn’t violate his being by assuming I know who he is, how he feels and how much he cares. I didn’t impose myself on him.
I empowered myself by not doing this: Not succumbing to my fears. Not judging myself for being scared. I didn’t force myself to be in control.
I empowered myself by doing this: I opened up and allowed him to step in and hold me. Allowed myself to believe that I’m loved and supported. Showed myself that I am capable of moving beyond my fears. I showed myself that exposing myself is not the end of the world.
Admitting my fear IS digging a grave. But the grave is not for me. The grave is for my fears.