For a very long time we have held on to the belief that unless we expect, claim, request and ask for what ‘is ours’ we will not get it. Countless courses to help people be more assertive stress the importance to – if not aggressively, then at least firmly demand our expectations to be fulfilled and our needs to be met.
Whenever we set goals, we’re encouraged to explore the why behind the goal. That makes a lot of sense, because the universe has its own way of delivery.
I’m beginning to understand something else, though. There is another place where the why should never enter.
A lot of our expectations are not our own. Culture shapes what we think about the world, about what people, including us, should do and how we should all be. Cultural norms – which are nothing but expectations – define what success is, how a marriage is supposed to run, how children are to be raised and even what happiness consists of. Social animals that we are, we strive to adhere cultural expectations, lest we be excluded from the happy zoo of conformity.
Most of us live our lives as if whatever goes on within our minds is the ultimate truth in the world. We take everything personal. From our in-law’s comment to the neighbor’s dog poo on our front yard to the rain on our barbeque. They all seem out to get us sometimes. After all, they KNOW how you feel about this, don’t they?
Let’s get some perspective then and see how truly nothing is or will ever be personal.
We’re told that everything happens for a reason. But really, what good could possibly lie in those everyday irritating instances such as having to rummage through your bag once again to find the train ticket, which – of course – has hidden in the last folded corner of the bag?
I could start the article by suggesting that the corona virus was developed and spread by the toilet paper industry, but that would be a lame joke. In fact, I don’t want to talk about COVID-19 at all. I want to talk about fears. Not THE FEAR. Fears.
So, here we are having understood that expecting other people to make us happy doesn’t work. That we are the ones responsible for our own happiness. And what do we do? We beat ourselves up for not making ourselves happy. Raise your hand if that’s what you do.
Last night something happened.
I’m scared.
My mind runs its movie.
They say the best way to avoid your own tantrum is to count to ten.
It’s never worked for me.